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“But something kept me standing by that hospital bed, I should have quit, but instead, I took care of you.
You made me sleep all uneven, and I didn’t believe them when they told me there was no saving you.”
25 april 2013 // 5pm // sunny day // 2nd floor caffe vita
i wrote about this before— the concept of a heavy heart & how i had it a couple of months ago— and i honestly thought that it was due to seasonal affective disorder since it was gloomy and dark when that phase happened. but it’s been a marvelously sunny couple of days recently, and i can’t help but feel weirdly melancholy. i suppose i’ve been thinking a lot lately. but i don’t know what’s wrong with me— is this some sort of a metamorphosis phase where i become a person with more depth or something? that sounds stupid. i apologize. but i thought it, so i’m writing it down.
three things that have kept me happy during this time:
1. friends esp. roommates // 2. music // 3. coffee
i want a tattoo! of flowers! beautifully drawn flowers. i’m picturing pressed flowers or poppies specifically. so beautiful. i’d hate to explain what it means though. flowers are super generic and not a bad thing to have drawn on your body, i think; a TON of people have flower tattoos. but i thought of it after thinking of one my all-time favorite quotes by marcel proust— “let us be grateful to people who make us happy: they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”
i honestly don’t know what kind of a person i would be without all the beautiful, wonderful people i’ve been blessed with in my life. i shudder.
a separate thought // i’ve been contemplating about the whole “if it’s meant to be, it will be” quote recently, and i fear that— as graduation is approaching and this year’s class will no longer be at seattle u— i am not “meant” to remain friends with some people. i remember thinking as a junior in high school that i will prevent that from happening (me not keeping in touch with the class of 09 people at west high) and that i will most certainly keep in touch with them, but obviously, i haven’t. all the people i looked up to as a junior in high school, i barely know what’s going on in their lives currently. and i love them still! but i do not think i care too much that i’ve lost touch with them (so sorry) because if i cared a lot, i’d make way more of a conscious effort to keep in touch. i think i grew up in that i’m not going to be naive about the course of life and think that things are always going to remain the same, but i just get so.sad thinking about how it’s probably inevitable that i’m not going to be friends with some of my current absolutely favorite people in the world a few years down the road. and i get so.sad thinking about how i may not care too much that i don’t keep in touch with them (just like how i am with the grade-older friends that i had back in high school).
people will probably say i’m over thinking and that i should let life happen and maybe i will forever remain friends with my graduating friends (who knows), but i can’t help but really believe that what i’m predicting will happen, will actually happen.
one last thought (not as deep) // i’ve been coming to caffe vita more often, and dude! the baristas here are so much friendlier and smilier! the heck! well, actually, this one barista that i hadn’t seen in MONTHSs at bauhaus has returned from wherever she has been, and i do like her a lot. she has a lovely smile and disposition.
finally // good music i’ve been enjoying lately: sister wife (star slinger remix) — alex winston, kettering — the antlers, bear — the antlers ((the antlers are fantastic! super sad! but so good!))
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I took these photographs on expired film that I bought on the internet. The unusual colours in them are not the result of editing, they’re just a nice, unintentional surprise.
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